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It's fine if they get mad at me.

[ Since Ange is used to it, for one. She never would have made it through life back home if she didn't know how to endure people being mad at her.

And that was always without reason. At least this time she'd be able to know that she deserved it. Might make it easier, honestly. Easier than Anna acting like this isn't a big deal when it is a big deal.

Ange has to see her in person. She has to see how Anna feels, rather than just staring at text. ]

I will go there now. [ She's still too weak to technically be going out of the house by herself, but-- as if she's going to ask Ruby for help with this one. It'd only hurt both Ruby and Anna more.

She can make it over there by herself. It'll just take a bit. ]

[no it fucking isn't, she doesn't type. instead, she just says that she'll be waiting. and ange taking her time works out for the best, because—as anna has insisted multiple times now—she's fine and she can get out of bed and she doesn't have to be stuck here all day.]

[when ange does come over, whether it's via butterfly or through the unlocked front door, the door to anna's bedroom is open. yeah, she's still in bed anyway. there's a half-full bowl of soup on the nightstand, and it looks like it's still warm. she's actually doing better about not falling into a depression nest this time; the room is clean, her bass is standing up in the corner, and she's collected another few representative gifts that remind her of people she's lost. (the picture of rose geteilt is missing from the pinboard.)]

[her eye is bandaged up, and peeking out from underneath is the red line where ruby's attack had scarred her. her eyepatch is nowhere to be seen, but there's not much visible blood, either, so it's probably not too gruesome a sight to behold. she doesn't smile when ange walks in, but she's not frowning either. it's probably okay.]

Hey. [and then, like she doesn't already know the answer,] What's up?

[ Ange does enter by butterfly. She still thinks it's fine if the people in Anna's house get mad at her, but-- maybe after she's actually seen Anna, since they might otherwise keep her from doing so. Still, she doesn't enter like that all the way, worried that seeing those butterflies might trigger something within Anna after that entire experience.

So the girl turns back into her human form once she's at the right position to just open up the window in Anna's room and climb through. (This is a very normal way of entering a house, don't mind her--)

Not that Ange is really thinking much about her method of entry once she's inside. No, instead she's left staring at Anna. At her sister, so clearly hurt. Anna's state is a visible reminder of everything that happened, like it was only a second ago that Ruby's weapon entered the other's body.

It leaves her speechless for a moment. What do you say in the face of this? What do you say after all of that?

How does one reply to a 'what's up', as if nothing is wrong. As if this is casual, somehow.

Ange slowly moves closer, sitting down on Anna's bed - but on the far end, rather than close to the other. Ange isn't looking too great either, honestly. Despite the absence of any wounds like the one that exists on Anna's body, she is still looking pale, dark circles haunting her eyes. There are no longer any signs of corruption, but Ange sure does look like she just ran fifteen marathons in a row. Coming over here definitely used up some of her last bits of energy. ]

.. does it hurt..?

[ Apparently that's the first thing Ange manages to say, despite her throat feeling so tight that it feels like she can't even speak. ]

I can-- I can try to make it hurt less. [ It's a bit of a reluctant offer. Not because she doesn't want to help, but she just figures that her magic is the very last thing Anna wants to get into contact with right now. And then there's the fact that Ange doesn't even know whether she could pull that off right now, as tired as she is.

But what else is she supposed to here? It's killing her to see Anna like this, to know that she did it.

She has to do something. ]

[see, the thing is that anna does not and could never think that ange did this. this is a trench thing, and even if a specific person has to be blamed, it's ruby rose or nobody. so she sees ange enter, she watches her conduct herself like she's ready to collapse at any moment... and it just. hits something inside her. she shifts in her bed, throwing the sheets off herself, crawling towards where ange is sitting on the far end.]

You dumbass. What are you doing over there? [it's got a pretty easy answer, amaranth! are you out of your mind? god. maybe. maybe ruby did some fucking brain damage when she stabbed her. cool. anna just dangles her legs off the edge of the bed and sits on ange's left side, so she won't have to see her eye.]

...It doesn't hurt as much anymore. [ah. well, there goes any kind of playful tone anna could have used. she folds her hands in her lap.] There wasn't any blood or anything the first time I lost it. One minute my eye was there, and the next... the next it was just gone. And to this day, it's the worst pain I've ever felt in my life.

[she thinks back to having died. no, losing her eye the first time was still worse. it's funny, she thinks, that she can compare the two experiences at all. it's funny because it has to be funny.]

Losing it this time hurt a different way. [she pauses, looking out in front of her, at the board of remembrance that she'd hung on her wall.] That eyepatch, that eye, they were gifts. They were from people from Recollé, people I didn't want to forget. And they were the last things I had—the last real things that a Pthumerian here didn't make. They're gone now. [and she lets that hang. she shouldn't, but... but maybe right now she's feeling selfish. maybe she wants to let herself feel this. it's the first time she's said it aloud, after all.]

[ Ange doesn't protest Anna joining her there on the little corner of the bed, at least. She doesn't even move as the other sits next to her, though it's not like there's space to scoot away to even if she would have wanted to do so.

Instead she's just quiet. She listens, staring down at her hands rather than directly at Anna - especially when the other arrives at that last part.

Any gross physical description would've been easier, Ange thinks. It would've still been hard to endure the thought of her sister having been in pain because of her, but.. this instead? Anna lost something. Something she can't just get back. Something really important. The sort of thing that leaves behind a pain that Ange can't lift.

Somewhere along the line, Ange truly became Beatrice, robbing others of the things most important to them in a way that can't just be repaired. ]

It's-- That's horrible.

[ It feels so hard to speak that her own voice sounds foreign to her ears. Like there's a part of Ange that's dying off at hearing all of this, that can only listen as some auto-pilot forces herself to talk to Anna. She has to take responsibility. She has to do the work, no matter how miserable she feels.

Her hands ball up into fists on her lap, pressed together so tight that her knuckles are as white as snow. ]

That's the worst thing that could happen to anyone, and.. I'm so sorry you're going through that. [ Her throat feels so dry, but she forces herself to speak on. ] I know it's not enough to make up for any of this, but I-- I could see if there's some way to get them back. There has to be some way.

[ She has to set this right, rather than continue to let Anna suffer this loss forever, all because of her.

Even if it's without her magic, since Ange knows she clearly can't trust that anymore. But Trench is such a place filled with weird and unexpected things, maybe it has some way tucked away somewhere. There has to be something. ]

[anna lets ange talk. she doesn't know exactly what she can say right now that won't make things worse. part of her wants to make things worse. part of her wants to make ange understand how awful this is, beyond what she's already saying. beyond what she's already shown she understands. but that would be cruel, and anna chooses to believe that she is not a cruel person, so she doesn't say anything like that.]

[but she can't lie and say that it's okay, either. she's been through enough. she can't keep pretending that she's as fine as she wishes she were. so what she does do is sigh.]

This place has been trying to get me to forget Recollé since I washed up. Don't you remember coming to shore with a new feeling of belonging here? One you didn't have before, that you probably didn't even agree with? But it was still there in your head all the same. Louder than god's revolver and twice as shiny. [she doesn't know why she's saying that. can she really not make it through without a reference, some meme, some half-forgotten thing that only makes sense to her? or is that how she's holding on?]

[she puts her hands in her lap and closes her palms, gripping her own pants but feeling the metal underneath them as her fingers curl.]

I think this is Trench telling me that it wins. It's tired of me missing a place that isn't here, feeling... all these things for people who don't remember who I am. So it's cutting me off, and it's using people I met here to do it. It's using people I still love to tell me that this is my life now. [she's still deflecting. she's still trying to avoid what she needs to say. because she also chooses to believe that she is not an angry person, because being an angry person makes people run from her. being an angry person scares people.]

Even if you could get them back, I don't know the kind of toll it would take on you. I don't know if Trench would just take it away again. I think I just have to accept that they're gone.

[she has not looked at ange for a single second of this entire speech.]

...

[ At first Ange is still quiet. She doesn't know whether or not Trench is really doing that, after all - but considering this place's nature, she wouldn't exactly find it an impossible idea either. Even if it's something far away from Ange's own personal experience, since she came here since she wanted to be here.

Or rather, because she didn't want to be home. She can only understand that longing for a place on a level that's like a thought experiment, rather than lived experience.

Still, she believes Anna. Of course she does. Ange would do as much under the most normal of circumstances, but now Ange owes Anna so much? There's only more of an obligation to listen to the other. To trust her. To help her. ]

Are you sure you don't want to try..?

[ There's nothing insistent about her tone. Ange wouldn't be able to muster it, considering her guilt towards her big sister, or how lacking in energy she still feels in this moment.

It's just-- seeking confirmation. ]

If you think it's better this way, or don't want to risk it, then.. I'll listen to you. [ Of course.

Anna may not be looking at Ange, but she dares to risk a sidelong slight glance at Anna now. ]

But if you want Recollé back, or even just pieces of it, then.. I really don't mind helping. I'd do anything for it.

[ Isn't that the least she can do after everything? ]

Then make it so your wife didn't stab out my eye, Ange!

[that's what gets her to whip her head around and finally look at her little sister. that's what seems to break anna. she would like to believe that she's a better person than this, but there's a point where it tips and a point where it breaks, and anna has found it.]

If you'll do anything, then make it so I'm not having everything taken away from me. Make it so I can keep something instead of watching it all slip through my fingers. Make it so I don't have to watch you slide into corruption so far that I can't save you, make it so—so it all makes sense in my fucking head again.

[she turns her head back and looks down in her lap. she turns her palms upward, but just closes her hands again.]

I should be able to trust my memories. I should be able to trust the things I know are true. But I feel... I feel like I'm splintering apart. Like I'm losing myself almost as fast as I'm losing other people. And I can pretend that it doesn't hurt, but it hurts every goddamn time. And then you and Ruby get lost to this corruption and I can't do anything about it but watch and let it happen, 'cause when I jump in to try to help you... [she thinks of black feathers sprouting from her shoulder blades and a fire in her gut, and she thinks of the yawning emptiness inside her when both of them had vanished. she sighs, and she shakes her head.]

I've been shattering in slow motion for months now. And I've just been... pretending that I'm fine with it. But I'm scared. I'm scared, Ange, I don't know what's coming next, I don't know what's happening to my own brain, and having these stupid little things from home just made me feel like at least I had something anchoring me. At least I had something to remind me of where I came from. [she hates it. she hates that she's saying this out loud. her throat feels tight, but she has to be the strong one. she has to be the strong big sister who doesn't cry, doesn't break down, doesn't have problems so she can support her little sister.]

[but it's too late for all of that.]

[ Ange's tone had already been quiet a moment go, partially due to the fragility of the situation and partially due to her own physically weak state, but now she just goes completely quiet. Not that there's any moment to wedge even a word between everything Anna is saying in the first place, but Ange doesn't even try to do so so as the barrage of words comes over her.

It's fine, after all. Sure, it hurts. Hearing all of this, being reminded of what she caused, what's on her hands, the fact that she's only making things worse for Anna. Sure, it's terrifying to have family yell at her, especially since it makes her feel so young, like she's still that seven year old kid running away to hide underneath tables just to get away from harsh words being flung her way, praying she wouldn't be found, hands tightly clasped over her ears, a stinging cheek from a slap.

But at least this time she deserved this. This is her fault. Anna should be yelling at her like this.

So it's fine.

Ange tries to keep looking at Anna, but loses the ability to do so fairly rapidly, especially when she can feel the familiar terror of her childhood creeping up on her. Instead she stares at her hands on her lap, watches the way they tremble, either unwilling or unable to stop it.

She can't offer Anna anything. Trying to protect people from that pain is what her corrupted self tried to do in the first place - and if anything proved that was never going to work out, it's everything that passed before Ange lost consciousness. She can't do any of the things Anna is asking for. She can't do a thing.

So she can only do the one thing she knows. Falling back on the survival tactics she learned when she was younger, when she realised that yelling only made things worse - back then because Eva or the bullies would only punish her more, and now because she'd just hurt Anna, which is the last thing she'd want to do.

She can only make herself as quiet and tiny as possible. It's a good thing her magic isn't working well right now, still too exhausted, or she may just have literally shrunk away or disappeared by accident due to the strong feeling moving through her veins. ]

I'm sorry. [ Her voice is only barely audible.

What else can she say? What else could she offer?

There's nothing, and she's terrified. She fucked everything up. ]

I only made things worse for you.

[ What a sister.

Anna is right to yell at her. She'd be right to hate her. ]

[this fucking sucks. this whole situation is terrible. and she looks over at ange just from the corner of her eye and sees the way that her little sister is shrinking away, and it gets worse immediately. for as angry and strung out and exhausted anna has been, she'd always hoped it would never get this bad. but she wonders, with fear in each thought, if this is the way she'd looked when her parents yelled. and she suppresses it. and she doesn't let herself feel it. she can't. it only gets others hurt and these people mean too goddamn much to her for her to push them away like this.]

[she closes her eye and slumps forward, and she tries to sound remorseful even while the embers of what she'd just been saying are bright and smoldering.]

It isn't your fault. [she shakes her head.] Or it's as much Trench's fault as it is anyone else's, if you need to blame yourself. You didn't know what those things meant to me, Ruby was just trying to protect you, and I should honestly count myself lucky that she didn't blind me completely like she wanted to do to me.

[she swallows in a more literal sense now, her throat feeling thick.]

I don't want to hate either of you for this. It won't fix anything, and all of us need to... stick together, or whatever. Shoving you away is gonna solve exactly as many problems as trying to stay attached to a world I'll never be a part of again. [sigh. she can't even bring herself to believe that rose-tinted tripe.] I just need to accept that this is how it is now. And I guess just... get a replacement eye, get another eyepatch. Figure it out like I always have.

[on her own.]

That's all.

[ Anna's words aren't necessarily better. Sure, they might not remind Ange of some of the worst moments of her entire life, but they're still so.. bleak, even in their acceptance. Like a reminder that this place often just won't let them have nice things. The entire reason Ange's corruption spiralled like that in the first place, making her think she should just make a better place.

Something she never was as capable of as the corruption made her think.

Ange swallows, bites her lower lip, and then cautiously dares to look over at Anna.

At her sister. ]

Anna..?

[ Her voice is so soft. It makes Ange seem younger than she is. ]

Can I hug you?

[ She decides - for a moment - to ignore the question of whether she deserves that. She doesn't. But when she can't offer any help to change what Trench is like.. maybe this is all she can offer. Maybe it'll at least be a reminder for Anna that she isn't alone, even if she has a total screw-up of a little sister. ]

[well, fuck. anna must have fucked up really badly if ange is offering to hug her. or asking. either way, it feels way, way too real all of a sudden. she tries to contain her surprise, but it's that goddamn tone of voice that ange uses. it's the one that hits anna directly where her heart hurts most, in the wound that's never healed, in the wound that will never have a chance to heal. distance will only make it grow wider, bleed and fester with no chance to stitch itself back together.]

[ange isn't beth. nobody can ever be beth again. but anna isn't going to deny ange this when it's so clearly what she wants... and maybe what anna needs right now. she looks over and there's only the tiniest twinge at the corner of her mouth.]

Yeah. Yeah, you can.

[she'd wanted to do it herself anyway, so it's just... it's good to know that ange wants to. that things at least aren't that badly ruined.]

[ The reply has Ange letting out a breath that's just a little shakier than intended - or than even anticipated on Ange's end, not realising how much of a relief that answer is. Despite everything exchange between them now, and despite the guilt of the situation still haunting Ange like a ghost, the answer at least feels familiar. Like there's something to fall back on, even if in another way nothing feels the same.

She moves, and even that is a little more emotional than intended. It's a good thing that the wound is on Anna's face, so Ange can't accidentally slam against that, but she does almost just let herself fall against Anna with the intensity of her movement. It's like she crashes right into the other in the hug, arms wrapping around her sisters like Anna is a life raft keeping Ange from drowning.

Ange buries her face against Anna's shoulder. While her face may not be visible, the way her shoulders hitch and tremble make it very clear that she's sobbing into said shoulder virtually the moment she's pressed up against Anna.

Like all the emotion is letting itself out at once now. ]

I love you.. [ The words are half-muffled against the shoulder too, but still audible, even with the shaking of her voice. ] And I'm so-- I'm so sorry..

[anna's the strong one. she's as tough as the crust of the earth is. but there's something about ange just cascading against her, collapsing, crumbling. it feels familiar like jamming a spike directly into that wound in her chest, and she focuses on the pain for too long, and she starts to cry, too.]

[she doesn't know what else she can do. her hand comes up, wrapping gently around ange's shoulders and pressing against her back. she turns her body slowly so ange isn't sobbing on her side but on her chest instead, and she lifts up her other hand and puts it around ange's shoulders from the other direction. it's slow and deliberate and careful, and maybe it's a little stilted like anna's forgotten how to do it, but it's a hug the likes of which nobody in this room has seen in maybe about a year.]

[a tear runs down her cheek, and she bends her head down and just rests it against ange's head.]

I love you too, Ange. [she pauses.] I'm sorry for being a bitch.

Edited 2023-05-03 19:25 (UTC)

[ For a moment the girl can't even properly reply. Not for a lack of wanting to, since Ange is trying to get words out, but it's like she's overwhelmed by the tears every single time she opens her mouth. It stifles any words before they can escape her, instead just leaving her to sob on her sister for a few moments. It's like the fact that Anna is crying - not entirely lost on Ange, even within the middle of her own tears - only further brings on the tears.

Not even necessarily in a bad way. Just an overwhelming way. After all, even if they're both feeling horrible, at least it's a feeling they're sharing.

At least there isn't a gap without a bridge between them like Ange feared there would be.

It's only after a few moments that Ange manages to find enough breath and capacity again to force out words. ]

Then we can both be bitches.

[ Ange is still the person who - whether directly or indirectly - caused Anna's eye to be destroyed, after all. She definitely feels like the worse bitch here. ]

I-- I promise I'll try to listen to you better next time.

[it should have stopped with only one tear. that would've been the dramatic way to do it, right? the cool way? and isn't that what anna's about? but no. she can't do it like that. she's not cool right now; she is a broken, breaking older sister who can't keep it together.]

[she cries. she cries with ange, and she feels pathetic the whole time, and every time she hears ange try to say something it just makes her want to cry more, so she does, so she does, she lets the tears fall, lets them crash around her. (her conscience calls the guilty to come home.) and it's not until ange finds the strength to say something that anna can even consider shutting off the waterworks. you'd think only having one eye would make it easier. no such luck.]

[when ange suggests that they both be bitches, she actually laughs, but not very loud or forcefully. that's what snaps her out of it, what gets her to try to calm down. to bring herself back to the normal, composed anna that everyone knows and tolerates.]

I promise to come out less angry and bitter about the whole thing. I could've done better. Just... [sniff] A bad time for all of us.

[ Anna says she could've done better, but-- honestly, Ange still finds herself having a hard time not mostly blaming herself for this whole mess. Anna, Ruby.. they were all just people caught up in something Ange herself started.

.. on the other hand - at least there's some merit to what Anna is saying. A bad time for all of us. It's right, isn't it? It's just.. the same as always. Just this place forcing some bad time upon all of them, with very ample opportunity to actually have stopped it in any way.

It's hard to stop blaming herself, even with that thought in mind, but Ange does do her best to cling onto it. She's not good at being positive, but.. she has to try. For Ruby's sake. For Anna's sake.

For her own, maybe. ]

In that case..

[ She inhales a shakey breath, moving back just a little, but not fully breaking the physical contact between them. Still holding onto Anna, if not just a little bit. ]

The next time this place tries to force some bad time on us, let's-- let's face it together. [ Instead of facing each other, like this time. ] I want us to do that.

[ Because it feels like the only way to move forward. The only way to cope. ]

[god, anna wants that, too. she wants that so badly, to be someone who works with people instead of constantly against them. she's slow to match ange's words and gestures; she doesn't want to part, even if she's not doing it all the way. even if they're still staying together.]

[she sighs, though, with a note of certainty to it.]

Yeah. Let's face it together. I don't want this place turning sisters against each other ever again. [she squeezes ange's shoulder, and there's untold gratitude in the touch.] Thank you for all the chances you keep giving me. I'm not the best big sister in the world, but I'm getting better at it every day.

Are you kidding me?

[ There's no intense emotion to the words. Nothing sharp, anyway. Ange is still way too emotional for that, and not emotional in the sort of way that gets her all worked up and angry with the other.

No, her voice is softer. Softer, but absolutely drowning in less sharp emotions. There's still some sadness, maybe still some hurt, but the overwhelming majority of emotion in her voice is more heartfelt than that. ]

You're one of the best big sisters I've ever had.

[ She'd say the best, but-- she doesn't want to blemish Amara's memory, not with how much the other has done for her in the past. Both her and Anna hold such important places in Ange's heart. ]

I think what snapped me out of it back there was just.. that I was terrified that I'd lose you. Since I love you too much.

One of the best, huh?

[of course other people have been ange's big sister before, but honestly, it's such a surprise to anna that she'll just let it slide. besides, she's not possessive or anything.]

Hell, I would've been willing to settle for not the worst. And I think that's what got me so bad, too, like... man. I don't know. I can rescue people from danger. I can jump into burning buildings and yank people to safety until the ambulance gets there, I can... kill monsters and stuff. But when the danger's inside someone's own head, I don't think I can do a lot to help that. It leaves me feeling powerless, you know?

[bold words for someone who has so much danger living in her own head right now that she's terrified of herself letting her own guard down.]

That's why I switched so quick to anger, I think. I thought I'd already lost you. Thank you so much for proving me wrong and for... still being here in the end.

[ It's not something she has to be thanked for, Ange thinks. If anything, she's just glad that at least they're still together in the end. At least they're still alive.

Even if some things have broken here that can't be fixed, at least they have that. ]

.. well, at least I'm pretty sure I'll believe you when you warn me in time next time.

[ There's a wry edge to the way she says it, a little worried that it'll make Anna recall some of the worst parts of all of this, the biggest regrets - but she has to say it anyway.

Because Ange believes it to be true. ]

You don't think I'm dumb enough to ignore you twice, right?

[and yeah, listen. maybe she does get reminded of the things she'd rather avoid thinking about. maybe she doesn't want to focus on the way she can feel how her eye socket feels empty now, or the way she'd flipped off ruby rose and called her a pussy, or the desperate pleading and crying she'd done inside that prison cell of a room once the adrenaline had worn off and the pain started hitting her in waves, in waves.]

[but then ange takes all that away with one idle comment, and anna grips ange around the shoulders tightly and ruffles her hair just a little. it feels normal. it feels natural.]

I don't know, sis. Girls like us can be pretty stupid. But the next time we decide to be dumbasses together, let's try to make it about fun stuff, okay? Like arguing about whether pizza is a salad.

[ There's a very slight groan at getting her hair ruffled, though Ange is absolutely making no attempts to get away from the physical contact at all. In fact, even once Anna stops ruffling her hair like that, Ange might be lingering close.

Trying to linger not physically, but mentally too. She likes the place she's in so much more when her mind is here, with Anna. Caring, and being cared for. ]

Please tell me you don't think pizza is a salad.

[ It's half-mumbled, but it's a valiant attempt on Ange's side too to try and feel a little better. To allow herself to try to do so in the first place, rather than letting her guilt drag her down. ]

I mean, cold pizza is, sure.

[this is it. this is the stupid shit. she's keeping ange close and she's about to give the dumbest food opinion imaginable and it doesn't even matter if she believes her own words because she thinks it'll make her sister happy. this is how she wants to be as a person. she's already smiling as she prepares to say this.]

Think about it. Think about, like, a caesar salad. You've got croutons, you've got cheese, tomatoes, little bits of meat. Now take a look at a cold slice of pizza. You've got the bread, you've got the meat, you've got the tomatoes and cheese. They're the same food.

You can't be serious.

[ Though she doesn't move far away, she's definitely turning her head enough to be able to take a look at Anna's face. Like she wants to see the expression on there, even if that also means facing the results of her own actions - visible on Anna's face - once more. But she's trying to think less about the latter and more about the former, like she's really just looking to see if Anna is just messing with her. ]

.. you're not serious. Right? [ Please, Anna. Please tell her you don't truly think pizza is a salad. ] This is the sort of crap my big brother would say. Unironically.

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cw: references to past child abuse

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