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[ Ange's tone had already been quiet a moment go, partially due to the fragility of the situation and partially due to her own physically weak state, but now she just goes completely quiet. Not that there's any moment to wedge even a word between everything Anna is saying in the first place, but Ange doesn't even try to do so so as the barrage of words comes over her.

It's fine, after all. Sure, it hurts. Hearing all of this, being reminded of what she caused, what's on her hands, the fact that she's only making things worse for Anna. Sure, it's terrifying to have family yell at her, especially since it makes her feel so young, like she's still that seven year old kid running away to hide underneath tables just to get away from harsh words being flung her way, praying she wouldn't be found, hands tightly clasped over her ears, a stinging cheek from a slap.

But at least this time she deserved this. This is her fault. Anna should be yelling at her like this.

So it's fine.

Ange tries to keep looking at Anna, but loses the ability to do so fairly rapidly, especially when she can feel the familiar terror of her childhood creeping up on her. Instead she stares at her hands on her lap, watches the way they tremble, either unwilling or unable to stop it.

She can't offer Anna anything. Trying to protect people from that pain is what her corrupted self tried to do in the first place - and if anything proved that was never going to work out, it's everything that passed before Ange lost consciousness. She can't do any of the things Anna is asking for. She can't do a thing.

So she can only do the one thing she knows. Falling back on the survival tactics she learned when she was younger, when she realised that yelling only made things worse - back then because Eva or the bullies would only punish her more, and now because she'd just hurt Anna, which is the last thing she'd want to do.

She can only make herself as quiet and tiny as possible. It's a good thing her magic isn't working well right now, still too exhausted, or she may just have literally shrunk away or disappeared by accident due to the strong feeling moving through her veins. ]

I'm sorry. [ Her voice is only barely audible.

What else can she say? What else could she offer?

There's nothing, and she's terrified. She fucked everything up. ]

I only made things worse for you.

[ What a sister.

Anna is right to yell at her. She'd be right to hate her. ]

[this fucking sucks. this whole situation is terrible. and she looks over at ange just from the corner of her eye and sees the way that her little sister is shrinking away, and it gets worse immediately. for as angry and strung out and exhausted anna has been, she'd always hoped it would never get this bad. but she wonders, with fear in each thought, if this is the way she'd looked when her parents yelled. and she suppresses it. and she doesn't let herself feel it. she can't. it only gets others hurt and these people mean too goddamn much to her for her to push them away like this.]

[she closes her eye and slumps forward, and she tries to sound remorseful even while the embers of what she'd just been saying are bright and smoldering.]

It isn't your fault. [she shakes her head.] Or it's as much Trench's fault as it is anyone else's, if you need to blame yourself. You didn't know what those things meant to me, Ruby was just trying to protect you, and I should honestly count myself lucky that she didn't blind me completely like she wanted to do to me.

[she swallows in a more literal sense now, her throat feeling thick.]

I don't want to hate either of you for this. It won't fix anything, and all of us need to... stick together, or whatever. Shoving you away is gonna solve exactly as many problems as trying to stay attached to a world I'll never be a part of again. [sigh. she can't even bring herself to believe that rose-tinted tripe.] I just need to accept that this is how it is now. And I guess just... get a replacement eye, get another eyepatch. Figure it out like I always have.

[on her own.]

That's all.

[ Anna's words aren't necessarily better. Sure, they might not remind Ange of some of the worst moments of her entire life, but they're still so.. bleak, even in their acceptance. Like a reminder that this place often just won't let them have nice things. The entire reason Ange's corruption spiralled like that in the first place, making her think she should just make a better place.

Something she never was as capable of as the corruption made her think.

Ange swallows, bites her lower lip, and then cautiously dares to look over at Anna.

At her sister. ]

Anna..?

[ Her voice is so soft. It makes Ange seem younger than she is. ]

Can I hug you?

[ She decides - for a moment - to ignore the question of whether she deserves that. She doesn't. But when she can't offer any help to change what Trench is like.. maybe this is all she can offer. Maybe it'll at least be a reminder for Anna that she isn't alone, even if she has a total screw-up of a little sister. ]

[well, fuck. anna must have fucked up really badly if ange is offering to hug her. or asking. either way, it feels way, way too real all of a sudden. she tries to contain her surprise, but it's that goddamn tone of voice that ange uses. it's the one that hits anna directly where her heart hurts most, in the wound that's never healed, in the wound that will never have a chance to heal. distance will only make it grow wider, bleed and fester with no chance to stitch itself back together.]

[ange isn't beth. nobody can ever be beth again. but anna isn't going to deny ange this when it's so clearly what she wants... and maybe what anna needs right now. she looks over and there's only the tiniest twinge at the corner of her mouth.]

Yeah. Yeah, you can.

[she'd wanted to do it herself anyway, so it's just... it's good to know that ange wants to. that things at least aren't that badly ruined.]

[ The reply has Ange letting out a breath that's just a little shakier than intended - or than even anticipated on Ange's end, not realising how much of a relief that answer is. Despite everything exchange between them now, and despite the guilt of the situation still haunting Ange like a ghost, the answer at least feels familiar. Like there's something to fall back on, even if in another way nothing feels the same.

She moves, and even that is a little more emotional than intended. It's a good thing that the wound is on Anna's face, so Ange can't accidentally slam against that, but she does almost just let herself fall against Anna with the intensity of her movement. It's like she crashes right into the other in the hug, arms wrapping around her sisters like Anna is a life raft keeping Ange from drowning.

Ange buries her face against Anna's shoulder. While her face may not be visible, the way her shoulders hitch and tremble make it very clear that she's sobbing into said shoulder virtually the moment she's pressed up against Anna.

Like all the emotion is letting itself out at once now. ]

I love you.. [ The words are half-muffled against the shoulder too, but still audible, even with the shaking of her voice. ] And I'm so-- I'm so sorry..

[anna's the strong one. she's as tough as the crust of the earth is. but there's something about ange just cascading against her, collapsing, crumbling. it feels familiar like jamming a spike directly into that wound in her chest, and she focuses on the pain for too long, and she starts to cry, too.]

[she doesn't know what else she can do. her hand comes up, wrapping gently around ange's shoulders and pressing against her back. she turns her body slowly so ange isn't sobbing on her side but on her chest instead, and she lifts up her other hand and puts it around ange's shoulders from the other direction. it's slow and deliberate and careful, and maybe it's a little stilted like anna's forgotten how to do it, but it's a hug the likes of which nobody in this room has seen in maybe about a year.]

[a tear runs down her cheek, and she bends her head down and just rests it against ange's head.]

I love you too, Ange. [she pauses.] I'm sorry for being a bitch.

Edited 2023-05-03 19:25 (UTC)

[ For a moment the girl can't even properly reply. Not for a lack of wanting to, since Ange is trying to get words out, but it's like she's overwhelmed by the tears every single time she opens her mouth. It stifles any words before they can escape her, instead just leaving her to sob on her sister for a few moments. It's like the fact that Anna is crying - not entirely lost on Ange, even within the middle of her own tears - only further brings on the tears.

Not even necessarily in a bad way. Just an overwhelming way. After all, even if they're both feeling horrible, at least it's a feeling they're sharing.

At least there isn't a gap without a bridge between them like Ange feared there would be.

It's only after a few moments that Ange manages to find enough breath and capacity again to force out words. ]

Then we can both be bitches.

[ Ange is still the person who - whether directly or indirectly - caused Anna's eye to be destroyed, after all. She definitely feels like the worse bitch here. ]

I-- I promise I'll try to listen to you better next time.

[it should have stopped with only one tear. that would've been the dramatic way to do it, right? the cool way? and isn't that what anna's about? but no. she can't do it like that. she's not cool right now; she is a broken, breaking older sister who can't keep it together.]

[she cries. she cries with ange, and she feels pathetic the whole time, and every time she hears ange try to say something it just makes her want to cry more, so she does, so she does, she lets the tears fall, lets them crash around her. (her conscience calls the guilty to come home.) and it's not until ange finds the strength to say something that anna can even consider shutting off the waterworks. you'd think only having one eye would make it easier. no such luck.]

[when ange suggests that they both be bitches, she actually laughs, but not very loud or forcefully. that's what snaps her out of it, what gets her to try to calm down. to bring herself back to the normal, composed anna that everyone knows and tolerates.]

I promise to come out less angry and bitter about the whole thing. I could've done better. Just... [sniff] A bad time for all of us.

[ Anna says she could've done better, but-- honestly, Ange still finds herself having a hard time not mostly blaming herself for this whole mess. Anna, Ruby.. they were all just people caught up in something Ange herself started.

.. on the other hand - at least there's some merit to what Anna is saying. A bad time for all of us. It's right, isn't it? It's just.. the same as always. Just this place forcing some bad time upon all of them, with very ample opportunity to actually have stopped it in any way.

It's hard to stop blaming herself, even with that thought in mind, but Ange does do her best to cling onto it. She's not good at being positive, but.. she has to try. For Ruby's sake. For Anna's sake.

For her own, maybe. ]

In that case..

[ She inhales a shakey breath, moving back just a little, but not fully breaking the physical contact between them. Still holding onto Anna, if not just a little bit. ]

The next time this place tries to force some bad time on us, let's-- let's face it together. [ Instead of facing each other, like this time. ] I want us to do that.

[ Because it feels like the only way to move forward. The only way to cope. ]

[god, anna wants that, too. she wants that so badly, to be someone who works with people instead of constantly against them. she's slow to match ange's words and gestures; she doesn't want to part, even if she's not doing it all the way. even if they're still staying together.]

[she sighs, though, with a note of certainty to it.]

Yeah. Let's face it together. I don't want this place turning sisters against each other ever again. [she squeezes ange's shoulder, and there's untold gratitude in the touch.] Thank you for all the chances you keep giving me. I'm not the best big sister in the world, but I'm getting better at it every day.

Are you kidding me?

[ There's no intense emotion to the words. Nothing sharp, anyway. Ange is still way too emotional for that, and not emotional in the sort of way that gets her all worked up and angry with the other.

No, her voice is softer. Softer, but absolutely drowning in less sharp emotions. There's still some sadness, maybe still some hurt, but the overwhelming majority of emotion in her voice is more heartfelt than that. ]

You're one of the best big sisters I've ever had.

[ She'd say the best, but-- she doesn't want to blemish Amara's memory, not with how much the other has done for her in the past. Both her and Anna hold such important places in Ange's heart. ]

I think what snapped me out of it back there was just.. that I was terrified that I'd lose you. Since I love you too much.

One of the best, huh?

[of course other people have been ange's big sister before, but honestly, it's such a surprise to anna that she'll just let it slide. besides, she's not possessive or anything.]

Hell, I would've been willing to settle for not the worst. And I think that's what got me so bad, too, like... man. I don't know. I can rescue people from danger. I can jump into burning buildings and yank people to safety until the ambulance gets there, I can... kill monsters and stuff. But when the danger's inside someone's own head, I don't think I can do a lot to help that. It leaves me feeling powerless, you know?

[bold words for someone who has so much danger living in her own head right now that she's terrified of herself letting her own guard down.]

That's why I switched so quick to anger, I think. I thought I'd already lost you. Thank you so much for proving me wrong and for... still being here in the end.

[ It's not something she has to be thanked for, Ange thinks. If anything, she's just glad that at least they're still together in the end. At least they're still alive.

Even if some things have broken here that can't be fixed, at least they have that. ]

.. well, at least I'm pretty sure I'll believe you when you warn me in time next time.

[ There's a wry edge to the way she says it, a little worried that it'll make Anna recall some of the worst parts of all of this, the biggest regrets - but she has to say it anyway.

Because Ange believes it to be true. ]

You don't think I'm dumb enough to ignore you twice, right?

[and yeah, listen. maybe she does get reminded of the things she'd rather avoid thinking about. maybe she doesn't want to focus on the way she can feel how her eye socket feels empty now, or the way she'd flipped off ruby rose and called her a pussy, or the desperate pleading and crying she'd done inside that prison cell of a room once the adrenaline had worn off and the pain started hitting her in waves, in waves.]

[but then ange takes all that away with one idle comment, and anna grips ange around the shoulders tightly and ruffles her hair just a little. it feels normal. it feels natural.]

I don't know, sis. Girls like us can be pretty stupid. But the next time we decide to be dumbasses together, let's try to make it about fun stuff, okay? Like arguing about whether pizza is a salad.

[ There's a very slight groan at getting her hair ruffled, though Ange is absolutely making no attempts to get away from the physical contact at all. In fact, even once Anna stops ruffling her hair like that, Ange might be lingering close.

Trying to linger not physically, but mentally too. She likes the place she's in so much more when her mind is here, with Anna. Caring, and being cared for. ]

Please tell me you don't think pizza is a salad.

[ It's half-mumbled, but it's a valiant attempt on Ange's side too to try and feel a little better. To allow herself to try to do so in the first place, rather than letting her guilt drag her down. ]

I mean, cold pizza is, sure.

[this is it. this is the stupid shit. she's keeping ange close and she's about to give the dumbest food opinion imaginable and it doesn't even matter if she believes her own words because she thinks it'll make her sister happy. this is how she wants to be as a person. she's already smiling as she prepares to say this.]

Think about it. Think about, like, a caesar salad. You've got croutons, you've got cheese, tomatoes, little bits of meat. Now take a look at a cold slice of pizza. You've got the bread, you've got the meat, you've got the tomatoes and cheese. They're the same food.

You can't be serious.

[ Though she doesn't move far away, she's definitely turning her head enough to be able to take a look at Anna's face. Like she wants to see the expression on there, even if that also means facing the results of her own actions - visible on Anna's face - once more. But she's trying to think less about the latter and more about the former, like she's really just looking to see if Anna is just messing with her. ]

.. you're not serious. Right? [ Please, Anna. Please tell her you don't truly think pizza is a salad. ] This is the sort of crap my big brother would say. Unironically.

[anna tries very hard to keep her face steady and unreadable. selling the bit is the most important thing in the world, and anna needs to make sure this lands.]

Hey, I'm just saying. You should probably think about it. The barriers between foods are all inventions of our mind. [her expression is holding. she can totally do this.] I mean, everyone already knows a hot dog is a sandwich, like, that's a basic admission right there. So the rest of it all just follows from there. Your brother's got the right idea—except for marrying Beatrice, but, like, we can't win 'em all.

[ God, yes, if there's anything Ange can agree on, it's that. Her brother has absolutely never made a single worse decision than marrying that witch.

And he's made so many terrible decisions. ]

Anna, what do you think would happen if I only ate pizza for three months? Compared to what'd happen if I'd only eat salad? [ At least it feels better to use herself as an example here, since she's.. actually not sure how Anna's body works in regards to food...

So this is definitely the safer alternative. But-- still, Ange is going along with this dumb train of food thought. It's better than thinking too hard about other things. ]

Iunno. [she is so unbothered by the very implication.] Same thing that happened to me in college, probably, if our metabolisms are anything like each other. Either way, you'd be a lot happier for those three months if you were eating pizza instead of salad. I know that for damn sure.

[she thinks on that for just a second, though, and realizes something harrowing.]

Fuck, though. Sorry, bit's over, I just made myself really want a salad. Like, you ever feel that way? Like you've been shoveling so much trash into your body that you're like "I should treat myself with something that's healthy for me"?

Then let's go make one.

[ Sure, maybe that wasn't where Anna was going with this. But on the other hand - maybe it's exactly what they need right now. Anna getting out of bed for a little bit, since she really doesn't look like she's been out of it much lately, and.. well, the same goes for Ange. It's not like she's exactly the most energetic person in the world when she's still completely drained after what happened.

But it doesn't matter. They can stumble over to the kitchen together like a bunch of idiots.

Ange even manages to stand up by herself, pulling herself away from Anna and standing on her own legs - even if they are, by the looks of it, very shakey legs in the moment.

She holds a hand out towards the other girl. ]

Can you get up?

[ Sure, Anna could sit up by herself and move across the bed, but walking is another step entirely. ]

[see, anna could stand up on her own if she wanted, but she takes ange's hand anyway and lets her sister help her to her feet. and as she returns to her full gangly 5'10", she smiles down at ange and squeezes her hand once more for good measure.]

If we run into K or V, I'll make sure they know we're cool. But I think we're good—I mean, they would've heard us talking, you know? [she wraps an arm around ange's shoulders carefully.] You good to walk out there, or do you want to rest in the bed for a bit? I know you're worried about me, but I'm worried about you too, sis.

I mean, if it were steak or something, I'd let you burn out your energy making it 'cause you'd get it back when you eat it. But you ain't gonna get shit from a salad.

[ Ange bites her lip, seeming to hesitate for just a moment with her answer. ]

I think I can walk, at least. [ Using magic may be out of the question, especially when she already pushed herself to get over here in the first place, but even though she's weak, she does think she can walk.

But that hesitation from a moment ago wasn't for nothing. It's what has her adding: ]

As long as you can help?

[ Maybe they can just support each other while they walk. Yes, they'll look dumb as hell, but that's the least of Ange's worries when her entire mind has a hard time caring about anything beyond Anna and their sisterly bond right now. ]

I'll rest after, I promise. I just-- [ This is hard for her to say, feeling a little cheesy and all.. But it is just the truth, and Ange is still feeling a little weak and emotional enough to push herself past her usual barriers. ] I want to be with you right now. I want to do stuff with you.

[ Instead of resting by herself and feeling miserable. This is a way better alternative. ]

[maybe they will look dumb as hell. but maybe the two of them deserve to look dumb as hell for a bit. ange, no longer a golden witch hopped up on butterfly magic, and anna, no longer swearing and covered in blood that smells like motor oil. just two comically mismatched sisters being idiots together. that seems like it fits.]

Yeah. Of course I can help you walk. [and, in the spirit of looking stupid, she adds:] How do you feel about piggyback rides?

[she's got a dumb grin on her face. she's pretty sure she knows the answer, but it's funny to suggest it even as she slides her arm around ange's shoulders and starts slowly walking towards the kitchen with her.]

Don't even try. You're going to collapse to the ground with me on top of you. It'll be very embarrassing.

[ Sure, it's a little mumbled, but it's still a very Ange-like answer. Especially in its speed - like some sense of herself has returned to her, able to quip back like this in the first place.

Even as she's allowing Anna to help her in supporting her sideways, Ange definitely leaning into the hold, but managing to move her own feet. It's a slow walk, but a walk all the same - and without anyone falling to the ground.

(For now, anyway.) ]

.. but if you want an honest answer. [ Because this is clearly a time for dumb confessions, right. Whatever, if they've been emotionally dumb this entire time, they might as well keep it up, just as long as Anna's babysitters are out of earshot. ] If it's you, then it's fine.

[ N-Not like Ange has a thing for still being able to be slightly babied by her older siblings or anything!!! S-Sheesh!! ]

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cw: references to past child abuse

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