hauntedsavior | ic inbox

we gotta talk about some stuff
i'm not mad at you.
well not as much as i thought it might be.
but we need to talk about it.
i was already getting dragged under the first time.

About Venus, right?
Yeah. I think we're overdue for a talk on him.
Whenever you're ready, okay? I don't have any more plans for the day and I'm already on my way back home.

i'm not blaming him for anything either.

yeah i'm just hanging here
soup should be ready soon btw.

Fuck yeah. Love your soup.

[anna's back home pretty soon afterwards, and she opens the door with a tentative sort of smile on her face. she knows what they have to discuss, but she just hopes that it's not... too miserable of a conversation. she screwed up! it's that easy. she'll just have to get better at it. and maybe they can have a deeper conversation about what the fuck to do with venus, too. she doesn't know. but she does make her way towards the kitchen once she arrives.]

Hey, babe. Things been okay here while I've been out? [she puts a small bottle of red wine on the counter along with a bundle of cinnamon.] Figured we could make some of our own mulled wine here at the house.

yeah my soup rules

[ Dinner is a root vegetable heavy stew. She's dipping her pinky into the simmering broth and giving it a taste when Anna comes in. She's not... angry really. Not as much as she thought. She doesn't know what this is, and it's been a while since it first came up, anyway. ]

Hey. Nothing's happened, so that's usually good here. [ She grins at the wine. ] Nice.

So. [ A beat, not knowing what to say. ] Shit, where do we start?

Edited 2022-12-17 02:12 (UTC)

Shit, dude.

[listen, she'll take not angry, because god knows she's done a lot of things to be worth being angry about. but this is a huge, complicated conversation about a small, equally complicated person. she doesn't have any idea of where to start, but words are her thing, so.]

So I guess... man. I can start by apologizing for flirting with him as hard as I did. [she's trying to convey the right weight to these words.] I did the thing where I light his cigarette with mine while they're both in our mouths, and I said some sexual stuff at him to try to mess with him. I let myself get carried away because he was fun to fuck with. [she doesn't know how good this is as an apology, but she's still taking it very seriously.] And I told him I was with you and we were monogamous, but I sure as hell wasn't acting like it. It's the only time it's happened, and I'll do better.

[ She nods slowly. She still feels... she's not sure how she feels. Forgiving, but a little sore. She takes a deep breath. They're just gonna have to work through it. Doing that is easier now, even if words are very much not her thing. ]

I... I get it. I do a lot of impulsive shit. Sometimes I'm not sure why, I... you know. It just happens. I was already in a bad place when you told me, but... I don't even care that you did that, with somebody that wasn't me. I don't really think I do. But I... wish you'd mentioned it sooner. And I hope you didn't go too hard on him. Venus is... Venus has some shit to work out.

Look, if... if somebody comes along, and I'm in the loop, I'm not against it. Hell, you sound like you had fun, and so did he, in a way. But if that's not how you're comfortable doing this, then we won't.

Edited 2022-12-18 05:11 (UTC)

[this isn't where anna thought this conversation would go. and it's really not a place she thought they would end up so quickly, either. her stomach feels like it's in a knot. she wants to do what makes kainé happy, but it's new, and it's new in a way that has real consequences that she doesn't know what to do with. all she can do is sit here thinking about it, at least until the words get tired of percolating in her brain and drip and bubble from her mouth.]

[she would love to be able to look at kainé.]

I don't... I mean, I feel so shitty every time I screw something up with you, and I still can't stop myself from doing it. And bringing, like, a third person into it? To meet this tire fire? [she's being too hard on herself; her fingers curl against the counter, and she breathes. her neck is still tilted down.] It's, like. I don't know. I've never even thought about that kind of thing before. Not... seriously.

[ She used to get a little more annoyed and standoffish when Anna would get like this, from time to time. She would run herself ragged and never take care of herself and talk all the time about how she was undeserving and Kainé didn't know where to put the words to comfort her when she expressed the feelings that were all too familiar, viewed through the funhouse mirror of a different life.

But she thinks she's gotten a little better in this last year. At being patient, at listening to her and knowing her moods and what she needs. She puts her hand on Anna's, rubbing her knuckles. ]

You're good, Anna. You're so good. You're smart, you're funny, everybody likes you. You're an amazing artist, and you care so fucking much. Fuck, I used to be really jealous of you. You know that, and you know sometimes I still am.

Anybody's bound to do some messed up shit here, yeah? But you always come back from it. You hate yourself because your parents and your religion taught you to. Just like me.

[ Probably just like Venus, too. ]

...Look, let's just say the obvious shit about Venus first. He wants to be a girl, doesn't he? Really fucking bad.

[man. k has gotten so fucking good at this. she closes her eye and focuses on the touch the same way she normally does when she needs the grounding, and she listens to her girlfriend remind her of the things that her brain is forcing her to forget right now, and she just takes a second to absorb it all before she replies.]

[and when she does, it doesn't have anything to do with herself. she opens her eye and puffs air out through her nose, and she shows her teeth with her knowing smile.]

He wants to be a girl so fucking bad, dude. When I was on the docks I explained to him what being trans meant and I thought he was gonna lose it. [that's an embellishment, but not much of one.] It's his religion, though, like... yeah. He thinks he's stuck that way and he's convinced he's this bad kid. Like, the worst kid his camp has ever seen, when literally all he's done is get bullied? [she scoffs.]

Like, fuck, that doesn't make someone a bad person. And if my high school experience is anything to go by, the chances of him being some degree of queer just fuckin' skyrocketed from that alone. [somewhere in the middle, it got easier to look at kainé, and she's thrilled that it did because she likes looking at her.] We shouldn't tell him, though, right?

[ She smiles back, a narrow smile like a tiny sliver of light out of a cloudy sky. She likes to think she understands Anna's feelings pretty well now. Especially right now, when she can feel that flowing into her like this. ]

Sounds about right. It's... fucking hard to shake the shit people tell you about yourself. [ She knows that too well. ] He ain't the worst. Just kind of a little shit sometimes.

I... I can feel Venus' heart, you know. The same as yours. All the emotions he sends back at me. It's... beautiful. The light is so beautiful. I could feel it, when she came to save me. She's... really amazing, Anna. [ She smiles wistfully, leaning her face against Anna's shoulder. ] But no, he's not ready for that shit yet. Stick it back in the oven, he'll give himself salmonella if he's carved open too fast. Nobody fucking wants to deal with that.

Edited 2022-12-19 06:24 (UTC)

You can?

[she smiles a little wistfully. it would be nice to feel that from venus, too, but she supposes that's just the things that kainé's blood is doing this month. she'll have to feel her emotions the normal way and just pretend that she's good at reading people.]

Well, let's not force anything, you know? He'll get there, and... I don't know much about gender shit, but yeah, I agree it's just gonna make things worse. All we can do is be there for him when he does figure that out, however long it takes. [she takes a beat; there's something she wants to follow up about something, though, and she bites her lower lip.]

What happened after he saved you? Before you came to get me, I mean.

Yeah. Just like I can feel yours.

[ Everything she feels from Anna, anxiety and confusion and happiness and love, she tries to treasure. To give it it's proper due, no matter how scared she is of hurting her. ]

Not much. It was too fucking weird. Uh... he got a little turned on, then I got turned on and it uh, turned into some fucking feedback loop and we didn't wanna talk about it. He felt... a lot of shit at once. Felt like shit working him up so bad.

Edited 2022-12-26 04:27 (UTC)

[there's something nasty inside of her that forms the bulk of anna's initial reaction. both of them turning each other on, feeding off each other, and—it's only a flash, it's a spark that she can snuff out. it's not important for now and it probably won't be important in the end of things. the emotion gets overwritten by guilt pretty quickly, too, because she just thinks about how she had worked venus up pretty well, too, and she's just as guilty as kainé here of whatever they decide to litigate. if anything.]

I get it. And I'm just happy that everyone got out and that you were safe. [her side still aches a little, tender to the touch. it's fine. she doesn't exactly smile, but there's the echoes of playfulness to her words. she's not trying to make a joke; the memory is honestly a little embarrassing. but it's a question that comes to her mind anyway.] Was it like the time I drank your blood?

[ Kainé feels all of that jealousy and guilt flow into her, and she just responds with a silent, knowing smile. There's no litigation. It hurts, a little, but love has always hurt for Kainé. Life always has. It doesn't hurt because she's jealous or guilty, not really. She just can't bear seeing her in pain. It's nobody's fault, really. Or at least, nothing she can assign blame to her for. Which won't stop her from feeling ashamed herself. ]

Not... really. [ She's certain of that, but it takes a moment to find the words to explain. ] It was, but it wasn't the same level. We already had something by then, you and me. It wasn't any fear or shame. Just trust. A different way of touching each other. This was learning about somebody I didn't know too well before. Getting a bigger picture. Something like that.

[ She puts her hand on Anna's shoulder, rubbing synthetic muscle beneath metal and ceramic. She knows they still get tense. ]

I can finish dinner. Go ahead and rest a bit.

[she's pretty sure she understands. she's pretty sure it's nothing to be concerned about—and really, it's reassuring to know that it's never going to be the same as with anna. (or if not never, close enough to never.) her thoughts calm down a little, and with very little assistance, they turn to food and rest and, like, normal things. and her emotions still, and there's a wave of peace at feeling kainé rub her shoulder, and it's all... for the moment, it's going to be okay.]

Yeah. Yeah, that sounds like a plan. [sigh.] I love you, K. Thanks for being here.

[ She did feel anxious about dumping all of this heavy shit on Anna, knowing how she worries, how her insecurities plague her, but it's too important to ignore. For both of their sakes, and Venus' too.

She wants to leave it here, and there's certainly more that can be left for later, shouldn't be bothered with now, but she doesn't want room left for miscommunications and ambiguities. ]

And, look, if... I mean even if you ever wanted to fuck around a little... and that emphasis can be fuck, yeah? [ She smiles, surprisingly enough. She'd be a little jealous, but... maybe not so much at the idea of somebody being with Anna. She just doesn't want to be alone. Left out of things. ] I'd be okay as long as you told me. I... I think so. As long as you’re mine. As long as you come back to me.

[the weight presses just a little harder, but the way it's being brought up makes it feel like... like she's being given permission. for something she'd never do, admittedly, but. she turns around to face kainé again, and she fixes her with a smile that is at least genuine, even if the lines on her face complicate things, her forehead knitting with concern.]

There's no one else I would rather be with, Kainé. I appreciate it, but as far as, like, people I would seriously consider having sex with around here? It's just you. [she's trying very hard to sound sweet, which is why she didn't say "fuck", but she feels awkward about the whole thing in the first place.] I'm yours. I'm always going to come back to you.

[ Ah, shit, she's probably saying things wrong, isn't she? She's not trying to say Anna would be unfaithful, or that she wants to be. That's what living alone in a dilapidated shack gets her.

She hopes she understands what Kainé means. ]

Alright. Just saying, whatever comes up, let's... try and sort it out.

Yeah. Whatever happens... we'll talk it through, and we'll figure it out together. It's what we do.

[she knows the modern word for this, and she makes a mental note to read more about polyamory. to learn more about how it's supposed to work and what all the foundations of it are, and to see if it's something that she can actually agree with. it's going to take work and effort and a lot of conscious learning. she needs to try and she needs to talk and she needs to communicate. she can do this, she thinks, reaching up to place her hand on top of kainé's.]

Used to think it was like a curse. That nobody in my family ever knew how to have a real conversation, and that's why all our relationships died. But I think it's because of you that I'm learning how to do it right.

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november, not long after hallucinations wear off

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