Anna Amarande (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
hauntedsavior) wrote2021-09-04 09:34 pm
hauntedsavior) wrote2021-09-04 09:34 pmEntry tags:
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anna amarande
31/f. happily ever after we lived, the end.
VOICE | TEXT | VIDEO | ACTION
hauntedsavior) wrote2021-09-04 09:34 pm
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09.04.2021, untitled
But it doesn't change what's happening. I was supposed to meet her. In the city. I wasn't supposed to leave and she sure as hell didn't tell me about any of this. Would make it all way easier if she had, but fuck me for thinking I had this all figured out, huh.
I wish it didn't feel like I was supposed to be here. I knew my destiny back home. Hell, I fulfilled it! But now the universe is telling me that there's more to my story. To A2's story. God, A2. Sorry. I know you aren't really here. I know you're just memories. I don't think anyone ever really got that when I was so full of myself on it. Maybe they thought I was crazy for caring about your life. Giving you peace. Maybe I am! Nobody else seemed to give a shit about their soul buddies the way I did.
One way or another I'm gonna need to call on you again, girl. Let's figure out why we're here, do the thing, and get back home.
Talk to you later, A2.
God, is that how I'm doing it? Like I'm writing letters to someone who can't write back? Fuck, man.
09.17.2021, untitled
Yours, A2. Rose's. Kara, Freya, Pen, Lillian. Clover and Violet and Lina and Jasmine. Eren and Elliot and Kasen. Derek, for christ's sake.
2B.
No.4.
Kainé.
Do your stories even need to be told? Or am I supposed to keep them in here forever so they die out with me?
Can I even die anymore? Or am I going to wander this place forever? Just like you did. The last living member of what used to be your squad, roaming around in a place that's become totally foreign to her. Sole survivor, cursed with second sight. Take me away, Buck Dharma.
I don't think I'm ready to say goodbye to them yet. On some level I already did, sure, but this is different. There's no way back to Recolle, and there's no guarantee any of us will be the same even if I find a way back. I'm the only one here who knows these people even existed.
Alone on a Friday night? God, you're pathetic.
I don't even know why I'm thinking this stuff. It doesn't matter. They just aren't here anymore, and if you're here as more than memories at all then I'm the one you're talking through anyway. I have to get used to the idea that everyone I cared about is another world away from me. But at least this time I won't have to see the unrecognizing stares on their faces when we pass as strangers in the street.
You are still here, aren't you?
10.25.2021, untitled
I just don't know how to make my flower bloom. Which is such a dumb fucking thing to get caught up on. It's a magic flower, and I'm letting it dictate my entire life, trying to make it match Samatoki's. What am I even worried about, it's not like it's gonna wither away and die. If it were gonna do that, it'd be doing it already. But no, here I am trying to turn my life around so I see some fucking petals grow.
I saw how this is supposed to go. I met her. But she isn't me, and I'm not her. I still haven't even watched Back to the Future and she told me that I was definitely going to.
Is that the thing I'm latching on to now?
If you're actually still there, A2, just give me a sign. I won't even mind if you take my head this time. Get rid of it and make me a full android. I just want to know I'm not as alone as it feels.
to do list (last updated 7.30.2022)
- find/make enclosure for floaters- glass- fake plastic trees (it wears her out)- find out where weepers grow just in case someone (yuri) loses it- look for more info on the cult that kidnapped ange (network?)- bring the fight to them if they keep doing this
- not enough info to do anything yet
- doesn't seem like they're a threat anymore. keep an eye out in case it's a seasonal thing
- pthumerian lore for stanford
- why is MP just chilling up there? she looks like she's waiting for something to happen
- commune with the reckoningi like her.- ask never mind about
homesomething. you'll figure it out.- how the hell do i commune with mariana?
- let's steal a fucking boat i guess
- new person (falco) who might be in the same sitch as me and sama
- rose's birthday 11/21, figure out what to do (don't get drunk)- failed step one
- the eren i know was getting echoes of the eren erwin knows
- what's up with that
- met jaz's echo, too. they are real.
- christmas coming- what do gods like?
pthumerian cheat sheet
- madam gen/MG
- snake. kindness, generosity (duh), luck. haven't found her yet but she seems nice. offering: jewels on snakeskin
- doorway
- i want to meet with them but it'll be hard. seems like meeting with them is only ever bad news. don't break a promise to a loved one. this means A2 too. offering: flowers over the doorway for protection
- moss king/MK
- wildcard. destiny and gambling and a lot of shit i'm not into. don't want to get on his bad side but if you believe the townsfolk i might already be on it by hating destiny. would rather talk to NM to get answers than MK.
- argo
- hope. i don't think i've been blessed by argonaut yet, but that doesn't mean his blessings aren't still reaching me. i've seen him around town a lot. it helps just knowing he's there. hoffnung stirbt nie.
- baus
- protection, empathy, love. i really want to meet baus, but i don't think i need to meet them anymore. maybe they were there when i realized what A2 means to me.
- remina
- the one who knows all history. i wonder if that counts for alternate worlds, too. it probably does. she would know what happened to me for those two months i can't remember.
- The Reckoning
- spell her name with a capital R. she's mine, and i can see why. people are terrified of her, but i think she just has an easy way of deciding what's just and what isn't. i think things are sometimes more nuanced than she thinks they are, but if there's a pthumerian for direct action, it'd be her.- fuck the reckoning, fuck gods, fuck her brand of direct action. i don't worship her anymore and i don't give a shit if she's "mine" or not. jesus fucking christ, amaranth, what's your problem.
- mariana
- welp, i guess i'm going out into the ocean to see what's going on with her. the squid stuff is probably her domain too. let's find out and hope we don't die.- there are things so much worse than death.
- never mind/NM
- you know what's better than knowledge? this new lamborghini here. i know NM has like infinite capacity to teach other people, but i want to make sure that i get the right questions out to him. if he knows every fact out there then i want to make sure i get the most from it. and i just hope he can give me some actual answers so i don't have to rely on MK. plus, like, he's gay? i know that doesn't matter to gods but it's still cool.
- mother mercy/mommy dearest
- haha hoo boy, this one's tricky. she's the one who was running shit back in the dream, right? like, running it into the ground. don't know how afraid i should be of her! not exactly jumping to commune with her either. if i want to own up to doing something wrong, i don't need her appearing by my side to goad me into it.
- clover/CF
- here comes the boy. i just like him. i can relate to him a lot, you know? i know his pain. you can recognize it a mile away. i have no problem meeting with him as many times as it takes for him to remember me. he's gonna get the play by play of my life, like, every week from here on.
- tower
- wonder if the innovation extends to music? one way to find out. i think after NM gave me the fright of my fucking life in september i've cooled off on both of these dudes, even though the tower just loves messing with me when i go downtown. don't know if there's an official offering or anything but i'm gonna make open mics a thing i start doing in the new year, see if i get the tower's attention that way.
- doro
- is this one even real? or is it just a jackalope? well, let's pretend she is. she's clever and mysterious and doesn't want to see or be seen by anyone, and i can respect that. don't think i'll go out of my way to commune with her -- just to respect her wishes, you know? but i do think she'd be fun to hang out with. i could send vier out to look for her? nah, that's demeaning.
- moon presence/MP
- i wonder what she's doing out there. i hope she comes down to visit us.
11.15.2021, untitled
I don't know how to call what we had with each other. I don't think it was anything serious. We were never dating, and you always told me you didn't want to get into anything serious anyway. But I know you were there for me, and I just hope I was there for you long enough to make your life a little better. God knows you improved mine. Made it so I didn't feel so damn alone from turning into a robot. Not to mention the time we spent reminding each other we were still human, too.
You were too damn young to go. If it had to be one of us, it should've been me, but I know that's not how things work.
The people here, in this town by the sea that you're never gonna get to see, they're telling me that I couldn't have done anything to change it. That this was always how your story was gonna play out if you had to go back to before the app. I still don't know how much I believe that. I want to say something cool, like... if I had the chance, I would've stood next to your bed and fought the Reaper off myself.
And you'd swoon. And I'd tell you that you're being gross and that I don't like it. And we'd both know I did.
I would've done anything to save you. Would've even started rooting for the Sox. But now we don't have that chance at all, and I'm a world away, and you're in a coffin.
If there's a chance that you remembered me at all while you were dying, I hope seeing me there made it a little better. I hope you saw me at your funeral and smiled. And even if you don't remember me, I won't ever be able to forget you.
I'm sorry that it ended like this.
Love you.
--Anna
12.15.2021, cold hard proof
Missed you.
Let's turn things around together.
4.6.2022
I really will tear this place apart if anything happens to Kainé.
I couldn't save Rose but I can do something about this.
Can't stop the powers that be from taking anyone but I can show them that I won't sit back and take it.
[and a second note, later that night.]
I don't know if Teacher is telling the truth about his feelings.
I need to tread more carefully around him.
I can't talk about the people I love around him.
I don't want him to know until I'm sure he's safe.
5.31.2022
I can't reveal any more about my life to him.
I don't want him to know.
I never found out who was killing planets and causing apocalypses in Recollé.
It could never have been anyone like Clarence.
He was a time traveler, but not a god.
But I know someone who has that power. Someone who has that history.
Someone who took the solar system and resurrected it.
And maybe killed it first.
Sure, Earth had its own apocalypse, but it shouldn't have spread out to the other planets.
Christ, I hope I'm wrong.
It's bad enough that the only tether I have to home decided to fucking nuke it the first chance he got.
Just for what? To be a god of it all?
Did he think that he could start it all over himself and do it right this time?
I'm probably wrong.
But there's always the chance I'm not.
der roter Faden
nine houses of the resurrection ←
resurrected by who?johnninth is so shitty and bad as to be forgotten ← pluto
sixth is closest to the central star
(sun?)(dominicus) ← mercuryfirst is blue ← earth
eighth is seventh from the sun ← uranus
houses maybe
why does the sun have a new namebecause john's a pretentious fuckheadjohn gaius
teacherknows the wellerman, the harlem shake, icingteacher is FROM EARTH? ← earth doesn't make it, greta was right ← mercy kill? ← he fucking nuked earth. he did it himself. it could have still been a mercy kill but he pulled the fucking trigger
↑ if he mercy killed the first then why did the other eight have to go? nobody on the other planets means no souls means no extra power, right? ← do planets have souls?
john's a fucking kiwi and
gaybi(? what gender is a fucked up bug)and a god ← wife is named (nicknamed?) annabel because my life is a fucking nightmare clown car and this might as well happenknows i have two souls ← his domain, necromancy, dangerous
(?)of course it's dangerous asshole ← can merge two souls further together (can he do it if they're not already merged?)↑ convinced people to kill their friends and loved ones to merge their souls into one using necromancy, g says the death wasn't necessary, don't know how yet
fought a beast in the river (
afterlifepurgatory (blocked up?)) why is it blocked up → the river beyond (real afterlife) as theorized by "a lady of surpassing brilliance" thanks orts↑ is there a necromantic reason to keep the souls there? like some big ass battery powering something?
where do you get the power to resurrect a solar system ← every action has an equal and opposite reaction, idiot, you kill it first ↓↓↓
the necrolord prime praise be unto him and his works, the resurrecting king, the king undying, the kindly prince, the emperor, god, the liberator of death, jesus christ john cut it the fuck out with these epithets i get it you like dead shit
leads:
- ortus, the river, beasts in the river (souls of everyone on earth?)
- palamedes,
secrets of the wardenno dice but take him out for a trip around the old first when you get the chance- →→→gideon←←← his fucking daughter hello??????? ← his daughter who he sacrificed.
- who is woe? kidnapped gideon, doesn't like her, easily one of john's, didn't actually seem to want to hurt g but very very easy to piss off ← definitely one of john's if patience is anything to go by, probably on the same level as him
- the lady harrowhark nonagesimus, necromancy bullshit, theories about the river and whether everything that's alive has a soul and what actually counts as alive anyway
-
gusaugustine, i fucking guessgus, about any resurrection shit (they forget who they were meant to be?)- has lazarus learned anything different from me? seems like we're on close enough pages
- pyrrha but not the redhead from remnant, tight with oscar, don't know what she can do for me yet
[and, after enough white space that anyone carelessly scrolling would think that she's done,]
john
he's lying with his eyes. maybe he misses the world he left behind. i think he does. i think he does but he doesn't want to let anyone know it. i think it's more complicated than that. i think he's afraid of what will happen if he wakes those ghosts. i think i'm afraid of what he'll do to me if i keep trying to wake them.
he could be full of shit about feeling sympathetic towards me, trying to make me feel better after i got back from that cursed ass fucking book. who else but john would know what it's like to watch everyone around you slowly forget everything until you're the last one left who can tell everyone's stories?
i don't want to feel sympathy for him. he's not a good person. he's not a good person and he's not trying to be one. he's only getting worse. people are going to be mad at me for trying to kill him and still feeling some kind of shitty fucked up way about him. i'm a fucking moron for believing it. i'm doing everything that he wants me to do. i'm probably nothing more than a fucking science experiment to him, a science experiment turned big ass nuisance with a sword that can't even get close enough to draw his blood. i'm not a person, i;m someone that a dead world shoved a second soul inside and that's the only reason he cares about me. i don't want to be like paul or like kaworu or like everyone who's fallen for his bullshit. this is how cults start.
goddamnit
i think if i were really smart and if i valued my life i would stop digging around his graves but i just don't understand what could compel him to keep making more. no come on girl you know that's a lie you know you understand him. when it's the only thing you feel like you can still control you'll do what you want with it. you fucking idiot. he's not your dad he's yourself from a decade ago. you have to stop this. you have to stop trying and admit that he's already gone. he';ll kill you if you keep trying. he will. he'll blow up my heart again and this time it won't grow back and lol if i'm not a beast this time then maybe it'll be a much bigger problem for trench! lmao!@!! who the fuck could've predicted that having a bomb ticking away in your chest would be a bad idea other than chekhov
christ. it's safer for everyone if i just stop trying, then. but i can't pull myself away that easily. maybe if i can prove to him that he still has human emotions in there or something... i don't know. fucked up bug gods don't usually think or act like humans anymore.
2022.09.08
recolle rundown
jan-feb 2018
you get the retrospec app. you get adjusted to everything. all the people from your life who you thought had given up on you end up crashing back into your life bc they're also on the app.
mar 2018
kara takes you flying. your life changes.
apr 2018
your hair goes white. fire spirit infects you and gives you black raven wings. you get all high on the angel of death bullshit.
p sure this is when you started dating astin.may-june 2018
city starts going white. you meet zee for the first time but you don't realize it's zee yet. in june, A2's legs come in.
this is when you got closer with lillian talking about how miserable it made you to lose your wings. this is where the depression started setting in again. it was never just about the wings and you know it was never just about the wings.july-aug 2018
these are the months you can't remember. maybe they still live somewhere in your memory, but you've been trying for four years and can't get to anything. the only thing you really remember here is being inside the code, during the fight with the gordian knot and A2. she locked you away inside the code and you don't even know how it happened anymore, do you. did you ever know? probably not. but you've seen the inside of A2's programming and this is the most important thing to what we're doing here.
you banged kara, didn't you?sept 2018
you meet 2B on the riverside. she shouldn't be here. there's no way she should actually be here. and it's not an alternate universe of 2B. it's just... her. she's the one who tells you about kainé for the first time but like with most things it takes you way too long to piece it together. she never says k's name. you have to figure that part out later.
this is when you found out that clover died and came back to life.oct 2018 - jan 2019
lots of problem solving. you start losing people slowly, falling off the app. but you kind of noticed that was happening already. this is when you start trying to track down more information about clarence. haunted houses, ancient castles, that kind of thing. places that shouldn't exist in recolle. you make a paper lantern for beth. you lose your heart. you go into a memory of when things used to be better with you and rose. you tell rose that if she ever wants to get back together, you'd be down with it. because lillian is gone now. you also start getting closer with zee, working for him, making plans to actually solve your problems.
february 5th 2019
you lose your eye. happy one year anniversary. this is the sixth layer examination and this is going to take a lot of unpacking and you know it's going to. it doesn't matter if you've seen it in your nightmares for years. you owe it to kainé to explain exactly what happened here. you can explain this. you've got this.
march 2019
you lose your torso. from here on this is just what you look like.
apr-jun 2019
everything goes wild. clarence's eye monster reveals itself and tries to take over the city. zee reveals that fucking TIME TRAVEL is possible and you travel through time a couple times. you've actually traveled through time. don't forget to bring that part up. you don't have to talk about where you went but don't bury the lede. in june, you save recollé.
afterwards
you live there until september 2021 when you come here. you're basically the only person who remembers what happened to the city. your body stays the way it is and everyone just kind of slides off it. they can explain their way out of it and you don't even have to do anything for it. zee hires you on as a senior IT tech. you sort of start seeing him for therapy but not really. hard to have a therapist who is also sort of your boss. this was just normal life for a while. i don't know if that's what i'm going to go back to. at least i'll be able to explain it to zee if i ever get back.
why would i want to go back when my life is better here? people know who i am. people care about me. i have people who love me and i love them back. all of them. i don't know how long it'll last but what i have here is irreplaceable.2023.02.19, der Stadt in mir
who all is here. roll call. lol
YoRHa Type-A No.2
dark side of me
the one that started it all, baby. the yorha android who is basically your oldest friend here. you know she's still alive, still listening, still here. she's trying to protect you when you can't protect yourself, and it's still scary that she could do that in the first place. but A2 isn't someone to be afraid of. you already know that you love her and that people you love can do frightening things sometimes. if any of the people in this stadt have the right to be here, it's her.
Annalise Lehmann
one tin soldier
it's still infuriating that you can't remember everything about her. she's the version of you from the timeline where you never figured out that you were gay. the glasses and button-down is unfortunately a good look for you, but christ was annalise just... so much. you're not really afraid of her anymore, are you? you can be as angry at her as you want, but that's not going to do anything either. in the end, it's just a timeline where things broke different. it's not real, or it's as real as anyone else is. besides, she isn't what you're afraid of.
Anna Lehmann
coming clean
well, goddamn if that ain't something different. this is the version of you who never ended up on the app in the first place. muscle and blood and skin and bones and two entire eyes and shoulder length blonde hair and a different kind of hurt beating inside her chest. god. wouldn't it be nice to go back to this? to be something simple? how can you even tell anymore. it's another timeline where things broke different, but this one is still hanging on to all the pain and hurt that you only started letting go of when you met A2. still so angry at her parents. still so listless from losing rose. still addicted to weed and booze, but thank god you're at least working your way out of it. ha. you're probably running that damn IT department by now.
Six
5678
or whatever number intoner you would have been. this one didn't stick around very long at all, did she? and thank god for that. still, there's something about blind fury that's almost preferable. she burned so hot, but she burned out so fast. all she cared about was murder. didn't have a single thought in her head except being gorgeous, slicing things to pieces, and singing that damn song. christ. at least i know i would make hot fertilizer.
Apollonia the First
i know everything i need to know about apollo. i can't write this right now.
Anna Amarande
[the note ends here.]
2023.05.08
But I did what I usually did. I was there for... weeks. I don't know. It felt like weeks. Maybe months? It felt normal. It felt like everything was normal, like I had never left or anything like that. I went down to the Wiffle Waffle and tried to forget that I'd seen the roof. I saw Majima outside Club Sunshine and ignored that I used to work there because he didn't fucking remember I ever worked there anyway. I saw Zee for therapy and talked about the same bullshit I usually talk about, or at least what I thought I usually talked about but if I had known that I'd be going back then I would've had more to discuss.
That's... what scares me. I didn't know Trench existed at all. It was so quiet I couldn't even hear the silence. It's what I've been afraid of this entire time. Something changing so drastically that I don't even notice it changed. That I never had any idea it was any different.
Thank god I don't feel like I have to stay here anymore. I don't know what happened, but when I walked out of there it was just like... it was like Trench is just a place. Trench is just a place that I can stay in or leave, whatever I'd like to do. It feels like my choices are mine again. I can go back. I can go back home now and just... have that. And I hope that I won't forget. I hope so, so desperately that I won't forget. Because I just... I want to keep this.
It's a maelstrom in my head, but it's my storm to bear.
I think I know what I want to do now. Alles gut, A2?